Do you have someone in your life who has been diagnosed with an eating disorder—maybe your child, your partner, a good friend, or another family member? You want to support them, but sometimes you just do not know what is the right thing to say and the right thing to do.
A great way to give support to your loved one is simply eating with them. At least eating meals seems simple enough, but the truth is that the threat of conflict and meltdowns lurks behind every bite.
What should you do if they say they are full?
What should you do if they refuse to eat what was made and available to them?
And what if they want to eat seconds? That’s okay, right?
As a support person, you know the goal is for your loved one to practice normalized eating, yet somehow your suggestions aren’t viewed as helpful. Is that because of their eating disorder, or is there another reason?
To guide you through being a great mealtime support, it’s helpful to understand that the goal of normalized eating occurs in a few stages. After all, if your loved one was capable of just eating in a normalized way, than they would not have an eating disorder.
In the first stage, the goals for your loved one is to get enough food regularly. This means eating three meals and 2-3 snacks every day. In this first stage, there may not be much variety. There may not be much flexibility, neither in the kinds of foods nor the amount. If they planned to eat one slice of bread, they will not have the flexibility to eat two. If they are eating one cup of cereal, one cup and a little bit more is not doable. Further, they might also need to eat past the point of feeling full. This controlled eating seems contradictory to the goal, but ultimately, this is what they need to progress. And respecting their meal plan is the best way you can support them. As time goes by, they will be more flexible.
In the next stage, they have become comfortable with their meal plans. They are confident they can manage it, and they are ready for a few challenges. Maybe they are able to add more variety. Maybe they have tackled a fear food or two. Maybe they have stopped measuring everything out and instead are estimating amounts.
This might be a good time to ask them if they are willing to hear about the challenges you would like them to try (just don’t discuss this during a meal). Maybe there’s a restaurant you’d like them to try, or a food you used to always have you want to make. Maybe it’s just going out for ice cream together at the end of the day. The meal plan is still important, but you and your loved one will not feel so enslaved by it.
Once your loved one has experienced successes in facing eating challenges regularly, they may enter a stage where they begin to eat in ways that are looking normalized. The meal plans may be very generic at this point. You still want to be cautious, because they are still experiencing anxiety, but you can also be optimistic, even when you notice some ups and downs. This is a time to balance checking in with them and giving them space—a tough balance.
These stages all come with unique challenges, but each stage offers more flexibility. Each stage provides more hope and promise. Navigating how to help your loved one can be really difficult when you don’t understand the process of how treatment works. Talking to a professional who specializes in eating disorders is one way to better your own understanding.
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