Often perfectionism is viewed as harmless. Sure, perfectionists might seem a little uptight, a little rigid, maybe even a little boring, but they also always do an amazing job, they are always reliable, and they are admired and loved by all. On the outside, they are the perfectly wrapped gift with the shiny, expensive wrapping paper and the beautiful bow on top. But when that perfect gift is opened, you find there is nothing on the inside.
As a society, we always strive for greatness. In this journey to greatness, the story about failure gets left out. No one wants to fail. Failure is shameful. Failure is scary. Failure is just plain badness. Failure is a perfectionist’s worst nightmare. The perfectionist is not motivated to perform well for fun or happiness. Instead, they are motivated by fear. Whether it be straight A’s, being on time, creating art, or being meticulously organized, a perfectionist is performing out of fear. The admirable drive is fueled by fear. Just because a sense of happiness can still come from a perfectionist’s achievement, this doesn’t mean they feel proud. Happiness arises out of a sense of relief. This can grow to be the only way perfectionists are able to experience happiness because they are living in a constant state of anxiety. They feel they must live up to a set of standards and cannot stand the thought of someone’s opinion of them changing. Perfectionism becomes an identity to uphold.
Perfectionists often suffer many mental health problems (anxiety disorder, social anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and more) as a result of stress and feeling overwhelmed. Since fear of failure is avoided at all costs, perfectionists develop unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with stress. They also may suffer from problems of inadequate sleep and diet. This additionally can lead to physical health problems like high blood pressure, tension headaches/migraines, or unexplained aches and pains. Success leads to confidence for most, but perfectionists suffer from low-self esteem. Feeling good about self is difficult for those whose minds are constantly preoccupied with fear of mistakes and judgment.
TIPS to CONQUER PERFECTIONISM
- Work on catching yourself using all-or-nothing thinking. Examples are categorizing things as “good or bad”, “right or wrong”, “healthy or unhealthy”. See if you can find the shade of gray in these seeming “black or white” situations.
- Purposely make a small, harmless mistake, but don’t tell anyone it was purposeful (e.g. show up 5 minutes late; spell something incorrectly; etc.). And then celebrate that your survived.
- Don’t start over when you make a mistake. It’s easy to throw something out or render something useless when it does not turn out how you expect or want it to. Instead live with it.
- Do something spontaneous. Don’t give yourself time to plan and worry.
- Make a list of people who love you unconditionally.
- Get a good friend to support you in trying something new.
- Avoid procrastination. Create a structure/schedule (don’t be afraid to ask for help in this) to plan out how you will tackle big projects.
- Stare imperfection down until you can see it’s beauty.
If you know someone who suffers from perfectionism or you yourself are suffering from perfectionism a qualified therapist can provide support.
English